I know this post may draw some hell with most feminists. In fact, I know a lot of my posts are going to draw hell from a lot of people. But to be quite honest and serious, I really could not care less. This post and this blog is not about how others see things. It is a commentary about how I see things as a young, Black, twenty-something woman scholar from Baltimore from my vantage point. With that, I will say if anyone has a problem with anything I say at anytime, kindly feel free to line up behind me, kneel down, and kiss my ass. And please use Chapstick or Vaseline before doing so; I’d rather not cut myself with your chapped lips.
With all that out the way, let’s start from the beginning on where the title came from, shall we? Earlier this morning when buried under the covers contemplating the meaning of life, I recalled a life lesson from one of my graduate professors. We were having a random debate about gender equality in policy when he said, “Feminism was probably the worst thing that has happened to women ever.” Lord, the uproar from the other women in my class. You would have thought the man said that maxi pads and chocolate were going out of business for good. When challenged to give more details about making such an “absurd” statement, my professor simply took a sip of his Starbucks and replied, “You’ll understand it later.” I was about 23 at the time. At 28, it took me five years and a lot of life lessons later to realize as macho and chauvinistic as such a statement sounded, the man was possibly on to something. As a natural observer and a trained social scientist, I see the world through trends and stems when it comes to addressing a social issue or behavior. Considering my past relationships, situationships, sharing plenty of “Waiting to Exhale” moments with family and friends, reading blogs and Facebook statuses, and watching television I noticed a trend (as in one factor, not the whole thing) in otherwise seemingly intelligent women dealing hard and heavy with fuckboys. What exactly is a fuckboy, some may ask. To answer, I yield to the reference for everything ratchet: Urban Dictionary. While the first definition identifies a fuckboy as “a person who is a weak ass pussy that ain’t about shit,” I think part of the sixth definition is a bit more fitting for this discussion. As it states, a fuckboy is “a word commonly used to describe a male who’s levels of bitchassness are astronomical. Fuckboys have a way of fucking things up for the worse. They have an inability to get their shit done and when given a responsibility they pussy out and usually leave it for someone else to take care of…” Earlier terms used to describe fuckboys include scrubs, bums, losers, and jerks. It must also be clarified while such a term may have stemmed from the Black community, fuckboys can come in all races. I offer the examples of Adam from Girls, about 85% of the dads on Teen Mom, and Scott Dissick to name a few. Now that we’ve identified the trend, what is the stem? While there could be a plethora of contributing factors as to why good girls fall for fuckboys, I want to examine the concept based on my professor’s statement. Is there a connection between feminism and fuckboyism (the practice or philosophy of being a fuckboy)?
Let’s skim through the history of American Feminism a little. For those that know (and those that don’t), the American feminist movement started way before women were sitting on top of hills with a picket sign in one hand and a burned bra in the other shouting “I am woman, hear me roar.” That was around the 1960s when most of the social movements we know today (Civil Rights, Environmental, Anti-War, etc) were kicking off. The origins of American Feminism actually begin with the Women’s Suffrage Movement between the late 19th century and the early 20th century. Much of what you hear about the suffrage movement was that it was about equal voting rights, which is true to an extent. What you don’t hear is that the suffrage movement was really about women (specifically White aristocratic women) gaining equal (or greater) power. To vote in this country meant that you had power. The only people who had such power were White aristocratic men. So in an nutshell, the foundations of this Suffrage movement which would later become the American Feminist movement were so that White aristocratic women could be equally as powerful (or greater than) White aristocratic men. As time progressed and women were allowed to vote, the suffragists (who would be later known as feminists) began to take on more causes centered around women gaining power. With that, I’ll break like this. I don’t believe that feminism in and of itself is a bad idea. I give credit where credit is due for the political changes as seen in laws such as the Violence Against Women Act, Lily Ledbetter Act, Roe vs. Wade, and others that help me go on about my business as a woman in this country. What I’m questioning is some of the social behaviors, norms, and mores that also came with feminism and whether or not they were more harmful or helpful to women. And it’s right there where I think feminism and fuckboyism meet.
The social demands of American Feminism often translated to most as women wanting to be treated the same as (not equal to, there is a difference) men. Being treated as a lady was a form of oppression. To be a stay-at-home wife and mother was a not seen as progressive. Being chivalrous was patronizing. It was an expectation that women can and should do everything by themselves. While certainly it was understandable that women wanted to overcome some the condescending and tyrannizing behaviors of men, it does bring to question if all social graces should be overhauled as well? Let’s look at dating. Prior to the pick-up of the American Feminist movement, men were expected to court women. Before asking to even speak with a lady, a man had to ask permission from her parents. That was the original fuckboy barrier, if you will. Although I hated to admit it as a kid, your family is normally perceptive when it comes to picking out raggedy folks in your life. But with all this women’s liberation through feminism talk, the fuckboy barrier goes bye bye. And that opens the door for other fuckboyish behaviors. Like situationships instead of relationships. With the feminist idea of women “not wanting to be tied down” that leaves plenty of room for fuckboys to carry on situationships (that gray area of “kinda sorta” and “not really” a couple-couple) instead of moving on to relationships. Then you have the suga momma syndrome. No, I’m not saying that a relationship should be built totally on money. However, you cannot TELL me it would not irritate the depths of our soul to come home on a Friday after working a whole week of working forty hours with a nigga on your couch sitting in the same spot you left him since Monday, Cheetos on his chest, controller on his belly, dirty sock with a hole in it, and half cans of beer all around him. And it has been like this for YEARS. But this case of fuckboy behavior is brought on with the idea of working women being the sole “breadwinners” if you will. And how about single motherhood? Yes, that too can be considered a bi-product of feminism begetting fuckboyism. Shouting to the mountaintops how we can do bad all by ourselves will leave us doing just that.
So there is my theory, how feminism begets fuckboyism. Is there a way to change it? Probably not across the board, but personally is a start. For me it’s realizing the balance of being both a lady and a woman and owning it. According to Theophile Obenga, the Ancient Egyptians were able to understand this masterfully when it came to male and female relationships. Men and women were treated as equals, still respecting the fact that men were men and women were women. The good ol’ days.